I’m back, dear readers! I took a short vacation to Utah for the week and had an incredible time with friends. I learned a lot for sure, and I’m excited to share with you some of my adventures. Before I dive into the details of the fun, happy, giggly moments, I need to talk about an answered prayer. Shall we?
I am blessed with friends who help me be better. They teach me to work harder, to think more clearly, and to behave more Christ-like. They help me suck less. I love that I’m surrounded by amazing people. Sometimes, though, I screw it up. Even with every lesson they’ve taught me and all they’ve done for me, I find a way to act stupidly and selfishly. For that, and to one friend specifically, I am so sorry.
Here’s the deal. As far as my personality is concerned, I tend to be an extremist. I hardly ever occupy a moderate temperament; I’m passionate and, if not properly harnessed, that passion can be used for evil. I realize that I don’t have a center, but I so desperately crave one. I know this about myself and I’m trying so hard to change that. I want so badly to change this or else I risk hurting the people around me. Ugh.
So this week, I spent a lot of time with a friend who gave a lot of his time an energy to teach me to use that passion for good. For reasons I’m not brave enough to expose to the world, I lost control of myself and lost sight of Christ-like love when I was with him. I screwed up big time and I’m afraid I hurt him. I acted selfishly, was jealous, and afraid, and possessive, and short tempered. I was impatient, unkind, rude, irritable, and resentful.
Do you see where I’m going with this?
I’ve all but been given a how-to check list of Christ-like love and I acted like an idiot (1 Corinthians 13).
On my last night with another friend, I cried to her about how confused and fuzzy and weird I felt about how I behaved. I asked her for insight on what the smack to do. How do I fix this? How do I make this awful feeling go away?
“Pray about it.”
In the past, I’ve relied on my own intellect to solve problems, and most of the time, it works. This time, the answer wasn’t so clear and I didn’t feel like I had a game plan. And because I’m no personality moderate, it stressed and freaked me out.
“WHAT DO I DDDDOOOOOO?!?!?!?!?”
“Pray about it.”
So I prayed about it. I begged Heavenly Father to help me fix this. To give me some focus, some direction, some guidance. I needed a game plan.
My friend dropped me off at the airport and she helped me feel better about not sucking too much as a human being. I had a heavy heart and just wanted to find refuge in my own bed, under my own covers, with my own pillow.
On my first flight to Denver, I sat next to a woman who was flying home from the funeral of her father to go be with her sick husband in the hospital. She sat and cried and while we talked, she said, “I can’t take anymore. My cup is full!” I pulled out my scriptures and we talked about the Atonement. We talked about how when Jesus Christ cried that his cup was full, he submitted his will to God’s:
And he went a little further, and fell on his face, and prayed, saying, O my Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me: nevertheless not as I will, but as thou wilt. (Matt 26:39)
There was an awesome peace in our little two seater, even as the plane made one nauseatingly rocky landing. I resolved after our conversation that I needed to calm down. I needed to find a center and I needed to behave a whole freaking lot better than I have been. I needed to submit to the will of God.
I got off the plane and checked my phone to make sure I’d still have a ride home when I landed in Kansas City. I checked Facebook, and another friend sent me a wonderful farewell message. He directed me to read DC 67:10:
And again, verily I say unto you that it is your privilege, and a promise I give unto you that have been ordained unto this ministry, that inasmuch as you strip yourselves from jealousies and fears, and humble yourselves before me, for ye are not sufficiently humble, the veil shall be rent and you shall see me and know that I am—not with the carnal neither natural mind, but with the spiritual.
UNBELIEVABLE. In just one short scripture, I was chastised and comforted. I was boldly guided and enormously loved.
I’m preparing to enter the temple and I recognize that my passion, when used for evil, can hurt people. It can lead me down a road I’ve lived on before and I remember how hard it was to let go of those habits. I’m still working on letting go of those habits. I’m working to be “sufficiently humble,” to be even just a little bit teachable (small steps, folks), and at all times (or as many as I can) be kind. This week, I failed and was forgiven, but with the stern message to not keep doing this.
Friend, I promise to do better.
In the midst of my freaking out, I kept singing over and over and over and over again, “Be Still, My Soul.”
So much love,